It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
