He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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