Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
