Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
