I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
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