Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
