tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
