Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
