you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
