Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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