Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
