whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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