i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
