she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
