My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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