we have officially lost it.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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