Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
