I cut my penus on the lid.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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