My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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