So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
