I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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