no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
