Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
