I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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