I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
