I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
