before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
