just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
