I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
