I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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