Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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