She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I faked an abortion last night.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
