I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
