i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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