Need sex. Gaining weight.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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