She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
