I'm so fucking centered right now
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
