No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
