seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
