Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
no, he came in my armpit
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
