It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
