YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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