just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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