Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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