idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
