At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
A bitchslap is in order.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
