ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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