i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Are we still banned from the library?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
