i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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