That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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