I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
